Free from my heart

I just wrote this one, after a desperate call from my mother. She was crying her heart out because she didn’t eat much for a whole month due to lack of money, and she has a lot of financial problems. She’s really poor. So I tried to console her the best I could, but she couldn’t stop crying. So I had no choice but to leave her a list of things to ask to the social worker she has a appointment tomorrow with, and to make a call to my older sister. She and my mother are not in good terms right now, but I called her anyway to beg her to lend some money to my mother. She made me see her side of the story, and explained to me why she was so hurt about my mother’s acts. I didn’t know how she felt before. But she’s a good person, and a good sister, so she finally decided to help her, for my sake. After all these years without seeing her, I finally found out what it’s like to have a big sister. I was always the oldest daughter at home when she left at age 18 (I’m 10 years younger, with a younger sister and brother to care about). So, thank you very much big sis, I’ll remember this. If you ever need me, I’ll be there. The poem goes like this:

Constantly forced to look back

To see the two sides of the story

Always wondering what to do

How to win back the luck

I’m tired.

You’re all I have

And yet I want to be free of you

To let you behind

And let you evolve

I’m tired.

You’re more precious than any jewel

To my eyes

You’re what makes life liveable

In this tough world

But I’m tired.

I’m tired to drag you from the ground

I’m tired to be the person who tells the truth

I’m tired to think of your whereabouts

I’m tired to constantly care about you

I am ashamed of these thoughts

Ashamed to cry and beg in your place

Ashamed to put my pride aside

Ashamed to think maybe it’s better to abandon you

Start a life where I can be free from my heart

But I’ll never be able to let you alone

Unless I break my heart in a million pieces

And forget about where I come from

Forget about the life you gave me

Even though it’s a tough, meaningless and painful life.

How will all that be solved ?

Are you capable of living a normal life, one day?

I know some of you are

Because they’re young

Free and untouched like a new canvas

But, some of you must suffer

Because the changes are too big

Because you cannot take the chances

Because you never change and reconsider

The way you live

How is it possible to help you then?

It’s not.

Let me just escape from this slow agony.

Heart of Rain

This poem, I wrote in a moment of despair. I was crying after my pet’s death (my cat Kira, 5 y-old, poisoned), and I was thinking about what I did when I encouraged my mother to move 700 kilometers away from my birth town. That time, I was moving to Bordeaux for my studies, and I was desperate to let my family away. So I planted the idea of moving in my mother’s mind, and she accepted it. It’s the biggest mistake I ever made since I’m legally adult, I think. No, in fact, it’s the biggest mistake I ever made about my family life.

I am feeling so guilty about it. It’s unbearable to think I let them, the most precious people I have, in such position. They currently suffer because of that, with no money, no hope, and not much help. Even though my mom says it’s not my fault, I know she resents me about it. She loves me, of course, but if I’d never planted this idea in her mind, and played with her guilty feelings to let me on my own, away from her (she’s very caring and protecting), she would have never moved.

The poem goes like this:

My head is all cloudy today

Dark sky of my thoughts is threatening

I know I’ll make the wrong choices

I already made so many

But this time it’s changing

Reason has come to me

I know it’s all over

Heavy drops from the sky are falling on my hair and face

Heart is full of this dark water

Making memories hurt

In places I didn’t even know of

The rain never stops falling

Decisions are tough to take

When you know all you can do is hurting the ones you love most

I say sweet words but my mouth is full of a bitter taste

Maybe you’ll guess something’s wrong

And when you do you would try to help me

But you’re full of light so you can’t touch me right now

I’m trapped in a deep well, and the water is heavy

Don’t try to reach me, you’ll just drown yourself in it too

I’m going down without a fight.

Silence is my destiny

And that’s so relieving

No pain. No light.

No life.

Nothing.

Featherless wings

This post is about the first “poem” I wrote. It’s about my family, and what we hoped for our new life in our new home, 700 kilometers away from my birth town. But everything went wrong since then…
It goes like this:

We were hoping for good lives
In this new location
A place where we could abandon the knives
Erase all the frustration
Perhaps a sort of salvation
From the depths we fell into
Desperate to find a solution
And a safe world to return back to

Was it too early or were we too greedy?
Any which way we take it’s always a living hell

I don’t count the fights, I’d fill the notebook
So many enemies, so little friends
Even we doubt the family

We were taught to act like that
Protecting ourselves by hurting another
Never let anyone enter
In these dark places we call our hearts

Was it too early? Or were we too greedy?
Any which way we take it’s always a living hell

Now in this place we had our hopes
But it’s still the same
We cannot even give it the name
Of our very own home

I put myself in state of wait
I push the blankets over my head
Maybe if I think hard
i could sleep until it ends

Wings are hard to break
They’re made of dreams and faith
But I feel my feathers silently falling
One by one, wings become bones
When the last is dead and gone

One by one, faith wings become only bones
When the last feather is dead and gone
And any which way we take, it’s still a living hell