This poem, I wrote in a moment of despair. I was crying after my pet’s death (my cat Kira, 5 y-old, poisoned), and I was thinking about what I did when I encouraged my mother to move 700 kilometers away from my birth town. That time, I was moving to Bordeaux for my studies, and I was desperate to let my family away. So I planted the idea of moving in my mother’s mind, and she accepted it. It’s the biggest mistake I ever made since I’m legally adult, I think. No, in fact, it’s the biggest mistake I ever made about my family life.
I am feeling so guilty about it. It’s unbearable to think I let them, the most precious people I have, in such position. They currently suffer because of that, with no money, no hope, and not much help. Even though my mom says it’s not my fault, I know she resents me about it. She loves me, of course, but if I’d never planted this idea in her mind, and played with her guilty feelings to let me on my own, away from her (she’s very caring and protecting), she would have never moved.
The poem goes like this:
My head is all cloudy today
Dark sky of my thoughts is threatening
I know I’ll make the wrong choices
I already made so many
But this time it’s changing
Reason has come to me
I know it’s all over
Heavy drops from the sky are falling on my hair and face
Heart is full of this dark water
Making memories hurt
In places I didn’t even know of
The rain never stops falling
Decisions are tough to take
When you know all you can do is hurting the ones you love most
I say sweet words but my mouth is full of a bitter taste
Maybe you’ll guess something’s wrong
And when you do you would try to help me
But you’re full of light so you can’t touch me right now
I’m trapped in a deep well, and the water is heavy
Don’t try to reach me, you’ll just drown yourself in it too
I’m going down without a fight.
Silence is my destiny
And that’s so relieving
No pain. No light.